Today I turn 43! I have not blogged for a while now, mostly because I have been waiting until the day I felt comfortable disclosing to the ether that I am pregnant, and nothing else has risen to the top of my experiences in the past many weeks to write about. Largely this is true because I have been sick, sick, sick-as-a-dog-sick, daily, all-day, dry-heaving, gagging, vomiting, tasting-hormones-all-day-in-the-back-of-my-throat-instead-of-food, sick. In addition, having a child over 40 is not something I would say the medical model exactly approaches with joy and optimism - so there has been a heck of a lot more information and testing to uneasily consider than there was when I had Noah.
The awesome part is that I have made it to 4 1/2 months along, and am carrying a baby boy who is beginning to wholeheartedly squirm and practice judo on my insides on a daily basis. I am hopeful that the sickness will end in a few weeks, around the end of the 5th month when I previously started to feel better as the mom-to-be of Noah. Although many days I am emotionally sagging by 9 a.m., today is not one of the worst days, and despite not having the energy to drive myself to a spa, or plan a special evening with my husband and son who are in work and camp all day, respectively, my birthday has had a glow and I feel lit from within. It's something about wanting exactly what I have, and knowing that right now, there is absolutely nothing wrong and so many things right.
Here's my Top Ten:
1. Waking briefly at 5:15 a.m. this morning to the smell of a chocolate cake baking. Whaaa...? Matthew left for work before Noah and I were even out of bed. I'm grateful to Matthew for many other things, especially on the days when I tell him with a completely straight face that I cannot live one more day with this demon child inside me and that if I dry heave one more time I am going to start screaming and never stop, but I think the baking before sunrise gets at the essence of what he does for me, on a daily basis.
2. Holding off my son Noah, who wanted to give me his gift yesterday afternoon, and last night, and first thing this morning. Over breakfast, he finally called Matthew at work to ask if it was okay to give it to me without Matthew home with us. The gift, opened with his help of course, a sterling silver pair of star post earrings with pink sparkles in the middle. The gift was almost as sweet as his giggling, jumping-around excitement to present it to me. And the hug as he rushed into my arms after I put them on.
3. My family - my Dad brought me lunch at home a few hours ago, and my mom, sisters, brother-in-law, niece, aunt, bioDad, all connected with me in different ways... Like everyone, these people are busy, and it's summer, and let's be real, sometimes there is just stuff going on that makes reaching out to anyone else next to impossible. But there it is. There they all are.
4. Kevin. You know who you are.
5. I am grateful to Facebook. Crazy? True. As a woman who has been home parenting for the past several years, and as a consultant who largely works independently and alone, and as a resident of a small, quiet town in Maine that is easy to blink and miss as you drive through, life can be a tad isolating at times. When I opened Facebook to see the multitude of people spanning decades of my life who signed on and wished me well today, I felt loved many times over.
6. Somewhat connected to number 5, I work in a field that over the past 15 years has connected me with people who became not only colleagues, but friends. People I respect and admire. I know some amazing people, who know how to work hard and laugh hard, and that the two should not be mutually exclusive.
7. I know I'm hormonal and everything is just so beautiful - please just go with me on this. I may vomit again in seconds so I have to take the good moments when they happen.
8. I was able to spend some time shooting baskets in the Y gym this morning after dropping Noah off at camp. It has been many weeks since I've had the energy to do little more than groan or muster an articulate complaint about how lousy I feel. Even after 8 weeks of no practice, I'm still at least at a .75 field goal percentage. I've still got it!
9. Did I mention that I'm pregnant? Despite feeling occasional waves of hostility toward the cause of my ongoing misery, I also anticipate that this baby will have nice chubby cheeks and a big smile. I mean, a baby, how amazing will that be? Light into darkness. There's no way he won't be the best thing about January in Maine.
10. A birthday package just arrived for me in the mail. I believe that anyone who grows up in a graveyard-quiet, rural town like Addison, Maine, as I did, loves mail more than the average bear, and I am that girl. The outside world reminds me it is there. I've got to go open it.
11. Did I say Top Ten? Well, I am also grateful that today brought me back to the computer to write. Thank you for stopping by to read and spend a few minutes of my birthday with me!