It does seem as if I have read a lot of apologetic blogs and Facebook posts lately, from people who have not been keeping up on the their blog posts as they feel they Should. I have no apology for my hiatus, partly because I assume no one could possibly be checking this blog since it has been almost two years since my last post. True to form, my favorite way to achieve and succeed is with low expectations up front.
My last post indicated the start of a new consulting project. I think of it now as the start of a very long two year race to the finish line, which I finished last September. It was a time full of working late nights and weekends, trying to work around parenting and partnering. Moments when I felt like I could do it all, and moments of deep exhaustion and nothing but will power getting me through the time. But I finished the project. And remain glad I did it, although it was a compromise of other things I hold dear.
I thought in September I might immediately jump into some creative writing projects, with the new free time. I quickly understood I would be decompressing and enjoying the space around me instead. A drive to lighten my workload has also caused me to seek the deeper freedom and peace that can only come from examining the root causes of my years of overwork. So I have taken that personal investigation on as well, in the past months.
And the big change, Noah began Kindergarten in September. I anticipated this with a mix of feelings, which included joy and nervousness, mostly. I did not feel deep fear of him Leaving Home, because his experience with a two-day Pre-School the previous year had been so positive. At each new step, he seems to be reading and wanting it. I wish as a younger person I had felt so ready to bite into life like it was my own crisp waiting apple.
He loves school, he is like a fish in water. He goes 5 days a week, from approximately 8-4 - a long day. The "academics" of Kindergarten are coming easily to him and as it is a blended K-1 classroom, he is doing some 1st Grade work. The social part of school, along with the art, music, phys. ed., he enjoys immensely. When I struggle with my worth as a parent I look at him owning and enjoying his life and know that he is thriving.
And at 5, he still loves to snuggle, to read books together under a blanket. I remember once when I was pregnant with Noah and we didn't know if I was having a boy or a girl, someone said, "Well, the great thing about boys is that Boys Love Their Mothers." I feel that every day, even this morning when he was mad at me because I asked him not to wear 5 shirts to school at the same time.
The past few weeks, emerging from a winter that for Maine was not much of a winter, weather-wise, I am at a crossroads myself. I have shed a lot of psychic weight this winter, by looking so far back into my history. I have had two weeks in a row of getting my e-mail inbox to zero by the time I go to bed each night. I have worked out at the Y almost every day. My consulting work is at a great level and I am enjoying the work. So what is next for me? I feel myself reaching for the fruit, looking for that perfect apple.
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